Unusual post tonight

I was hesitant to post this letter I received from Matthew…..but now that some time has passed and currently he is in a better state of mind than when he wrote me this letter, I feel strongly that I should share it. It is real and raw. I have to post the good with the bad. Matt is extremly close with both our paternal grandparents. He lived with them and he and my grandma have a very special bond. Matthew has let the world in to see who he truly is and with that comes up and downs. This letter was written after being at CRC on 22 hour lockdown for many weeks. He is at Pickaway prison now and in a better place mentally……

Prison is no place to spend your life. Ive only been here for about four months now and I am already breaking down. Going through the holidays was rough and knowing that I have to do it many times over before I am free is an unbearable thought. I constantly remind myself why I am here but no matter how positive I try to stay, it is only a matter of time before this place tears me down. I had a dream about my grandma which summed things pretty well. The house was completely dark and I found my grandma on the ground unable to get up and very confused and afraid. For some reason, I couldnt get her up and she continually kept saying that someone was at the window trying to get in and hurt her. I tried to tell her that no one was there but then I couldn’t speak which only made her much more alarmed. Next thing I know there was a man by the window and he started walking towards her. With all of my might I pushed him but anytime I got near him he swatted me away. The closer he got to her the more she started to cry and call out for me but I couldn’t stop him no matter how hard I tried. I’ve never felt so helpless.

I woke up from that dream with tears in my eyes and I still cant get past this sickness in my stomach. My loved ones are out there, and I can do nothing for them. My grandparents are two of the most precious people to me and theres a strong possibility that I will never see them again as a free man. That thought alone is almost enough to do me in without all the other hardships of prison. I said that I would walk out of prison a better man. Today I feel that is hopeless. I feel this is no place to become a better man. I’m so sorry Vincent.- Matthew Cordle

 

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8 thoughts on “Unusual post tonight

  1. There will be ups and downs, that’s what makes it real. Only showing the ups would be disingenuous so you’re doing Matt a service by portraying this side as well. It serves as yet another reminder how having your freedom taken away is so profound. One day at a time, that’s all you can do. Stay strong.

    ~J.

  2. Matthew that was your gandma , your family, telling you that they need you. to see that is not where you want to be for the rest of your life. I was told when I went to prision (4 months and a year and a half in county) what if something bad happened to a loved one wile you was locked up there would be nothing you could do you (me) could not go say your good byes!! I lost it I freaked out had a heart attaick and I opened my eyes up to ssee that me being locked up was not only hurting me and my freedom but it hurt every one that cared for me!! I worte god a letter and promised him I would do every thing in my power not to end up back in that place ever.. I still have that letter to this day and I look at it every day just to remind me of where I never want to be it has been 8 years and im doing ok but I will never be back in hell like that. you will come out doing the same thing you will make a change in your life you will be a better man a better person!! stay strong you will be home soon 🙂

  3. Oh Matthew, my heart aches every moment of every day living with the reality that you are in prison for such a horrible thing. I know how truly sorry you are deep in your soul for your actions and I know if you could change what happened you would in an instant. I pray to god every night to watch over you, keep you safe and healthy (mentally & spiritually). You are a good person who clearly made a bad choice – but you are not a criminal. What makes mom so proud of you is how you have conducted yourself as a honest man with courage and dignity to show the world the truth and to honor Mr. Canzani. I can not imagine what prison is like, and when I let my mind try, I can not breathe and feel so helpless that as your mother I can not help you! Keep your faith in God, and faith in yourself! Your message is being heard and making a positive difference in the world!
    I love you and I miss you terribly,
    Mom

  4. Wow. I’m sitting in my office at work reading this with tears in my eyes and hoping that no one happens in right now. That is some tough stuff to read. However, those emotions are actually very common for someone who has been in segregation as long as Matthew was when he wrote this. He was essentially living inside his head with very little stimulation and in that setting it all becomes very raw. It’s one of the reasons that those who advocate for prisoners oppose long term segregation for any reason. However, he is in a better situation now and hopefully once he gets started in the OASIS program, he will have much to think about and the days will go by more quickly. I cannot imagine how tough it is for a parent to read that. It just proves what has been said here over and over, our actions do not affect just us, they affect everyone who cares about us. Kari, I think it is wonderful how your family has supported Matthew through all of this. Your are living proof that you can hate the sin, but do not have to hate the sinner. A lesson all of you are teaching to the world. I believe Matthew will come out of this a better and stronger person.

    On a brighter note, I was trying to remember what prison Matthew was at and had to go to the ODOC website to look it up. While there, I noticed that on the page where his info is, his J.R. 80% Release Date of 11/19/2018 has been posted. Apparently, this is the date he becomes eligible to be screened for a possible recommendation to the sentencing court for early release. While I realize there is no guarantee, it gave me hope that perhaps Matthew won’t have to be away quite as long. Does he know about this?

    Stay strong Cordle family, including Matthew. So many of us think of you and send our prayers and support your way. Thank you for sharing on this blog.

    • Ken- thank you for all of your comments and support! It means so much. Matthew has a mandatory sentence with his crime but he may be eligible for 80% release. We are looking more into this as the law can be so confusing. We are not sure how often it happens and are not counting on anything at this point but of course being hopeful. Matthew will do everything he can to show that he is changed and is a good person and from there it is all in someone else’s hands. We will stick by him no matter what! I love your comment about hate the sin but not the sinner! Great way to describe how I feel! Please continue to follow our efforts and support Matthew- he needs it! Facebook.com/saveyourvictim

      Thank you!

  5. Aanii Matt, and Brother Dave.

    “Aanii” translates close to hello; i had heard it once meant ‘ i share with you my friendship ‘ .
    Matt we have never met, i and your father go way back long before your seed arrived in this world. I hold your father very close in my heart of friendship. Therefore I hold you also in my heart because you are your fathers seed. And he and i are brothers. You are in a situation from what i read and what was shared in a good way. Help comes into the heart/ soul of all beings in Creation. As long as we recognize where we are in the “now” of Creation.
    I believe Matt that you have the strength to make your way on this path. There is an abundance of energy of love and strength coming your way, don’t mistake the energy for misplacement, the energy can be over whelming. There is an old saying that the only friend in life you have is you. That to truly know who you are you have to live with yourself. And that to know love is to love yourself first; it is from there that the understanding of life in life will be better understood.
    Matt, my name is Michael Cywink, “Cy” as an alias so to speak. My background is rather colorful, I am of the Odawa , Anishinabae Nation, Manitoulin Island , Ontario Canada, I am not an American Indian nor am I a Canadian Indian. I am a father of 3 beautiful seeds and your fathers brother friend.
    Where you are; your roots will not take to the soil, so you have to learn how to grow inside and outside to build up a means of survival.
    I will be sending you a book that i wrote and illustrated. It is called the Adventures of Crazy Turtle. It really has nothing to do about turtles as it does relating to human beings and how we hide inside our shells and what comes at us in the real world. Crazy Turtle is inside of all of us; and in this adventure Crazy Turtle learns how to survive on, and on.
    I know you , your dad and I will meet in this future my friend. Until then I will get your address from my brother friend and get this book sent off to you. Be strong inside Matt, keep your head up because your feet know where they are going. Be open for reception when you feel weak and down because the love of those are being shared to help you. Try not to be afraid of your dreams; fear is a lack of understanding. Be open to question in your dreams to those that are with you. Your voice might not be heard by you but it is within your heart and in your spirit projection that is heard first before sound.
    In friendship Cy.

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