Waking up in the hospital

I yelled at the nurses to give me painkillers, part from the pain but mostly because I just wanted everything to go away after hearing that I caused a fatal accident. They gave me a shot of fentanyl and I slipped into unconsciousness. I woke up and knew that what I had hoped was a nightmare, was in fact reality. The looks on the faces of my family told me what I never wanted to know, that I had killed someone. My family didn’t know who I had killed and the nurses also didn’t know, or they weren’t saying. My mind raced as to who it was, or how many people? A whole family? The thoughts were overwhelming, reality didn’t seem so real anymore, like I’d imagine you felt if someone told you that you were a robot and your memories were fake. It felt like a sick joke and all I wanted to do was not exist. The commandments say “Thou shall not kill” for a reason and I now knew why all to well. The insurmountable guilt was more than I could handle on that day I wished I never woke up. – Matthew Cordle


2 thoughts on “Waking up in the hospital

  1. Matt, that is a chilling commentary about waking up in the hospital. If that doesn’t give someone a reason to think about drinking and driving, I don’t know what will. I hope that writing about this experience is helping you to deal with it. I am certain that despite the insurmountable guilt, that your family, friends, and loved ones are ever so happy that you woke up. I pray that God will give you peace and calmness of mind as you work through the realities you now face. As always, know that many people are pulling for you.

  2. It’s Ken…again. Just had to share that I received an email from Matthew today. It was so good to hear from him. He didn’t have a lot to say, but he knows he has a strong support system behind him and seems committed to not letting those people down. It’s wonderful that he has that and I commend his family for standing strong behind him through this difficult time for all of you. I have to share also that Matthew’s email really refocused my day. I was having a stressful day and getting his email reminded me to be thankful for the things I have in life…even those that may cause me stress because if they were taken away, I’d probably not be happy. Ok, just wanted to share how good it was to hear from Matthew and that the jpay system works! Be well everyone.

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